Nghe thiên hạ tưng bừng tổ chức "Phố ảo tình chân" lại chợt nghỉ mông lung dến chân và ảo - thôi thì chấp nhận tất cả, và xin đi , đi mãi trong phố ảo vừa đi vừa tìm ... mà có lẽ là sẽ tìm mãi tìm cho đến khi nào gặp mặt tình chân. Nhưng khổ nổi, cái mặt của chính ta không những xấu xa mà còn .... CÓ đôi khi ngồi một mình bên ly rượu đỏ, rồi nhâm nhi, ngắm trăng và gió, rồi nhớ rồi thương, nhớ đến chuyện gần, chuyện xa, chuyện bôn ba, chuyện tình tự, vui ít buồn nhiều. Thương bạn xa bạn gần, thương kẻ đi ngừoi ở, thương và tội nghiệp cho thời gian cứ đi hoài đi mãi, mệt lắm thời gian ạ, mời em hãy dừng chân, uống với anh dăm ba chén rượu, khề khà vai ba câu chuyện thế thái rồi hay đi tiếp nha em.Chiến tranh, lớn nhỏ, xa gần, anh em trong nhà cấu xé nhau, trách nhau cỏng rắn cắn gà nhà, vì vậy mà năm con gà này chẳng thấy hứng thú vì gà không bị rắn cắn thì cũng nuốt giây thun.
Then, perhaps the best place to start with is to blame oneself. (Tien trach ky hau trach nhan) and then just bring out the EGO out and give it a few good straps with the hope that it would then know its own place
You are so hedonistic, my ego
you can admit you're sozzled. mad and sinfull
yet you never succumb to the notion that you are wrong
You hate it - you simply hate it
for you can not afford to be wrong
it must be a big deal for you to be wrong
and you have to be rightnot once, not twice but all the time
You love your own explanations
and have no time for expiation
Me Me Me - you keep on self-blandishing
It is so egotistic the way you are acting
Now, tell me then
what side of you that you are brandishing
And times after times it seems that
you are running away from your self
It is your own fear you are banishing
The more you elevate your pridefor I have known you are trying!
the more it seems diminishing
Chasing your foes or they are after you?
Phasing in friends that are phasing you out
All your actions are to assusage your image
Listen, Listen! to the deafening silence
if you could or if you ever would
Just feel it and dont reason with it
for the moment is precious and then gone
and then it is there yet again
oh, my dear ego, where are you now?
performing that self-vanishing trick - yet again?
None tries to vanquish you and you're vanished
My whole life's visage has been distored by your mirage
oh, dear ego, my ego....
Monday, March 21, 2005
on "the pot of Gold"
P:
For the past few days I have been indulging myself with red wines, pure black coffees with no sugar and your book “The Pot of Gold”. And I enjoyed your book as much as the carbinet sauvignon. Times after times I had to place the book on a pillow resting on my chest while I was in bed. Some stories in your book was so interesting that I found myself mesmerised into the small hours of mornings. And so after eight days and countless cups of coffee and two bottles of red I managed to come to the epilogue. I note that there are only twenty copies of your book because my copy was numbered as 13/20. The book has been sitting on my bookshelf for the last six years and now having read it I wished that I had read it earlier.The book invoked a warm feeling in me as it starts with the romance and love between Vic and Dorothy. If I could let my wild imagination run wild, it would be easy to expand on their love into a kind a romantic movie. As for Dorothy, she just knew it when she met the man of her life. I felt happy and content when I read “The Quest”:As the raindrop gathered momentum and grew in size, it sensed but vaguely that it had come from the vaporous clouds in the heavens above. For a long time it was too busy worrying about the buffeting winds and the jostling of the other raindrops to be aware either of its own beginnings, or of its purpose.When finally these early struggles for identity were overcome, it suddenly realised that its own existence would be but brief. It felt sad that soon it would fall into the ocean, and be gone.Finally it understood. It became aware that it shared a common destiny with all other raindrops. It was part of them and they, part of it. In falling into the ocean this oneness would be complete, and it would be fulfilled.The raindrop felt content. It has performed its task, and played its part in the cycle of existence, for the sea continually evaporated to form clouds, and new raindrops fell. Whatever the greater meaning might be, it knew that it was an essential part of the nature of things, and that this was enough.It is so true that life is very fragile and ephemeral. Reading the lines above has a profound impact on me, I felt that there is a sense of destiny for all of us and that we are here to perform some kind of task and then there will be a time that we have to let go and depart. I for one always repeating the mistake of taking things for granted as if I will last forever. The more I realise that life is short the more I value life.In “the Quest” you used the raindrop as a metaphor for life and this reminds me of a koan that I saw in the movie “SAMSARA”:“How do you keep a drop of water from evaporating?” and the answer is “By returning it to the ocean.”A Koan is designed to encourage thinking, pondering on the what, why, how that things or minds work and there is no right or wrong answer. The evaporation of a droplet exists because there is an observer and who is the observer? And then why would the observer care about the evaporation of such innocent droplet? In the mind of the observer perhaps the droplet is the metaphor for life being slowly but surely evaporating away. How does one feel when one sees that his/her own life having its own limited space and time?Talking about happiness, you said (p 462): It was the journey through life that was important, not the attainment of a goal. It was like happiness: you can not make happiness a goal, it flows in as a consequence of your experiences and the way you live.Once I had a discussion on “happiness” with an Indian man who said that “happiness is the most important thing in life”. I then posed another question: “How do attain happiness?” The man apparently had the answer ready: “By making others happy then I find my true happiness.” His reply brings home the nature of human interdependence and relationship. Looking back at the time when I had this conversation with him, I realised that he had helping others around him in a most selfless manner.I am glad that also dealt with the subject of criticism for I have been always sensitive to criticism. At times I found it is absurd as it was my own criticism that I hated the most. In an indirect way, criticism has turned me into a SNOB for all my behaviour and reactions tend to be geared to protect me from criticism.I have found your words most comforting:.. I had reached the point where I was no longer sensitive about my personal experiences or attitudes and could write openly about them. At an earlier time I had been very sensitive criticism and, although still not completely immune, my guidelines proved a great help. They were:Criticism can no longer hurt me because it will fit into one of three possible categories:1. It is based on lack of information. If the critic fully understood the situation, the criticism would not be made;2. The criticism is made by someone for the purpose of “putting me down”. Maybe, only in this way can s/he make himself feel good. I should feel sorrow and compassion for such a person;3. The person, in making the criticism, has perceived a truth about myself that I have not seen. I should be grateful, and not hurt, by being given this piece of truth about myself, and from which I can learn.One of the interesting traits of human beings is that of the demand of being recognized and maybe the easy way to attract attention is to criticize. Such criticisms tend to be general and often appear under sweeping statements. It is one thing to comment in a vague manner but to make a critical analysis and to suggest where and how things could be improved is another.I read and re-read about the events of 1975 period when Saigon fell. I felt sad and melancholic as poignant memories came back to me. It was a period when it was so hard for me to concentrate on studying. Everyday all the newspapers headlined the retreat of the ARVN and provinces and towns were captured by the North without a single shot being fired. And then on the 30th of April a T54 tank shown crashing through the iron gate of the Independence Palace. X, a Viet student was sitting with me in the common TV room, was asked by an Australian student “Are you proud that the Vietnamese now defeat the American?” X was so furious and retorted “Get LOST! How could I be proud when my people lost the war.” I was not surprised by his reaction then. But I was totally dumbfound a few weeks later to find that X now ostentatiously displayed a portrait of his “uncle Ho” in his room! X switched side perhaps for the safety of his family who was still in VN. It was amazing that only in a few weeks he now spoke with new jargons and acted as if he had been in the communist party for a very long time. Another Viet student Y who had had not got on with X before, now they joined hands to found the Viet United Students (Hoi Sinh Vien Doan Ket). Y was musically gifted and so he composed songs extolling “uncle Ho” and his sayings “there is nothing more precious than independence and freedom” (khong gi quy hon doc lap tu do). Y played his guitar and sang the song with much pride. I found the song tasteless and somewhat obligatory as it certainly was not composed from his heart. Ofcourse they "invited" all to their meetings and I politely said that I had to catch up with my workand lucky enough they left me alone. Today, both X and Y had very successfull careers in Australia.In the upheaval period of 75, I found that I could trust no one particularly when it had something to do with politics. I became more withdrawn and introverted and I drank myself silly on Friday nights. A deep sense of hopelessness and loneliness befell upon me. Somehow drinking had helped me to cope!
...JF:You sure have stamina and resilience in reading The Pot of Gold and that you got through it in eight days is amazing. Yes, you are quite right, I only printed and bound 20 copies to give to my family (and one to the WA Historical library in Perth).Thanks for all the comments. After reading them I opened my copy of POG and read the section I had written on VN and the 1975 end of the war. It all came back to me in a poignant and slightly sad way. It was a very intense time for me, and a time during which I learnt a lot. I cannot read it now without being emotionally affected - but I am glad that I recorded as honestly as I could all the things that I wrote about. Although I gave all the VN students false names, you may well recognise some - but, I guess that after this time, it does not matter, and I know you will treat any that you recognise confidentially. Of course, you will recognise yourself.My metaphor of The Quest evolved over a period of some months. I wanted to say something about the uniqueness of the individual while being an integral part of the whole. At the time I had a growing feeling of fulfilment within myself and of the unity or “wholeness” of everything, together with the feeling of the value of the unique individual regardless of apparent insignificance and inadequacy. These were experienced feelings within me and not “theoretical constructs”. For a long time I mulled over in my mind how I could express it without it becoming theoretical - and that is when the idea of the metaphor of the raindrop came in to my mind. Yes, life is fragile and ephemeral. Yet I believe in the uniqueness and importance of the individual because no one else in life has exactly the same background, the same experiences and the same challenges in life as we do. My contribution to life through all that I experience is unique and important and no one but me can make that contribution. And this is the same for you and for everyone else. I mentioned this on page 541 of POG when I reiterated the statement by Viktor Frankl:Every person is unique and irreplaceable. No one can replace him. If he has found his true place in the world and has filled it, he has thereby fulfilled himself.I guess there is a conundrum: There is a sense of unity coupled with a sense of uniqueness.I liked your comment on keeping a drop of water from evaporating by returning it to the ocean. To my mind the drop of water is the uniqueness of the individual which can be wasted away unless it is strongly related to the sense of unity of all things (the ocean). It is this sense of unity that gives strength to the uniqueness of the individual. (Again, a conundrum.)Once one has a feeling of fulfilment the brevity of the individual’s existence is no longer important. I simply accept it, but try to use the limited time I have well. As you know my current project is writing In Search of My Ancestors. Yesterday I was writing about the background of my great-great grandmother, Charlotte Mole (who married the Chinese man, Ho Chee). I have records of seven generations before her going back to a John Merriton, who died in 1642. I know a little about each of the people in these seven generations. I know something of where and how they live. Some were farmers, some were landowners, another was a grocer in a small town. They all raised families; some experienced tragedies - such as the death of a child; They were all unique and each one, in their own way, contributed to life. Four hundred years ago John Merriton could not foretell that a descendant, 11 generations after him, would write about him; And yet, had it not been for John Merriton, I would never have existed. I may be unique, but I am part of a large unity of family structure. I am one essential link in the chain of the continuity of life. You are the same even if you cannot trace the individuals who gave you life. On the stage of Life, each person performs for but a short period but, without them, life would be different. Your comment on whether the observed exists in the absence of the observer, is a very old philosophical question, expressed most strongly by the British philosopher, Bishop George Berkeley (1685-1753). His attitude was that everything maintained its existence because it was always observed by God. (This book was: The Principles of Human Knowledge)Your Indian man was right about happiness: You find happiness by making others happy. One of my mottos is “If you want to find yourself, then you must lose yourself.”By “finding yourself” I mean reaching the point of complete self acceptance so that you no longer need to question (i.e. judge) yourself or life. This is self-fulfilment.By “losing yourself” I mean losing a consciousness of “self”. They way in which you achieve this is by absorbing yourself in something greater than yourself - that is, in “Life” itself. Apart from Nature and what lies beyond it, “Life” is other people. If your own actions can help others to reach their own fulfilment - and thus to make them happy, then this increases your own sense of “fulfilment” and hence of “happiness”. I think that people often mistake what is happiness by thinking of it as something resulting from material things. A small child may be “happy” if you give him a piece of chocolate - but then profoundly “unhappy” if you take it away from him. Of course, his “happiness” over attaining material desires is not what I mean by happiness. True happiness, once attained, cannot be taken away. Criticism:I guess that by “criticism” we think of the destructive, not constructive kind. Every single person is affected by it - especially by self criticism (judging oneself “inadequate”) until they reach the point of “self-acceptance”. I remember that when I was young I thought that I was the only person who was self-conscious, had problems, and was self-critical. Everyone else was “OK”, while I was “Not OK”. Later, I discovered that most people felt the same about themselves, but never “let on”. I guess this dawning realisation is the beginning of moving away from a “self-centredness” . . . . .
For the past few days I have been indulging myself with red wines, pure black coffees with no sugar and your book “The Pot of Gold”. And I enjoyed your book as much as the carbinet sauvignon. Times after times I had to place the book on a pillow resting on my chest while I was in bed. Some stories in your book was so interesting that I found myself mesmerised into the small hours of mornings. And so after eight days and countless cups of coffee and two bottles of red I managed to come to the epilogue. I note that there are only twenty copies of your book because my copy was numbered as 13/20. The book has been sitting on my bookshelf for the last six years and now having read it I wished that I had read it earlier.The book invoked a warm feeling in me as it starts with the romance and love between Vic and Dorothy. If I could let my wild imagination run wild, it would be easy to expand on their love into a kind a romantic movie. As for Dorothy, she just knew it when she met the man of her life. I felt happy and content when I read “The Quest”:As the raindrop gathered momentum and grew in size, it sensed but vaguely that it had come from the vaporous clouds in the heavens above. For a long time it was too busy worrying about the buffeting winds and the jostling of the other raindrops to be aware either of its own beginnings, or of its purpose.When finally these early struggles for identity were overcome, it suddenly realised that its own existence would be but brief. It felt sad that soon it would fall into the ocean, and be gone.Finally it understood. It became aware that it shared a common destiny with all other raindrops. It was part of them and they, part of it. In falling into the ocean this oneness would be complete, and it would be fulfilled.The raindrop felt content. It has performed its task, and played its part in the cycle of existence, for the sea continually evaporated to form clouds, and new raindrops fell. Whatever the greater meaning might be, it knew that it was an essential part of the nature of things, and that this was enough.It is so true that life is very fragile and ephemeral. Reading the lines above has a profound impact on me, I felt that there is a sense of destiny for all of us and that we are here to perform some kind of task and then there will be a time that we have to let go and depart. I for one always repeating the mistake of taking things for granted as if I will last forever. The more I realise that life is short the more I value life.In “the Quest” you used the raindrop as a metaphor for life and this reminds me of a koan that I saw in the movie “SAMSARA”:“How do you keep a drop of water from evaporating?” and the answer is “By returning it to the ocean.”A Koan is designed to encourage thinking, pondering on the what, why, how that things or minds work and there is no right or wrong answer. The evaporation of a droplet exists because there is an observer and who is the observer? And then why would the observer care about the evaporation of such innocent droplet? In the mind of the observer perhaps the droplet is the metaphor for life being slowly but surely evaporating away. How does one feel when one sees that his/her own life having its own limited space and time?Talking about happiness, you said (p 462): It was the journey through life that was important, not the attainment of a goal. It was like happiness: you can not make happiness a goal, it flows in as a consequence of your experiences and the way you live.Once I had a discussion on “happiness” with an Indian man who said that “happiness is the most important thing in life”. I then posed another question: “How do attain happiness?” The man apparently had the answer ready: “By making others happy then I find my true happiness.” His reply brings home the nature of human interdependence and relationship. Looking back at the time when I had this conversation with him, I realised that he had helping others around him in a most selfless manner.I am glad that also dealt with the subject of criticism for I have been always sensitive to criticism. At times I found it is absurd as it was my own criticism that I hated the most. In an indirect way, criticism has turned me into a SNOB for all my behaviour and reactions tend to be geared to protect me from criticism.I have found your words most comforting:.. I had reached the point where I was no longer sensitive about my personal experiences or attitudes and could write openly about them. At an earlier time I had been very sensitive criticism and, although still not completely immune, my guidelines proved a great help. They were:Criticism can no longer hurt me because it will fit into one of three possible categories:1. It is based on lack of information. If the critic fully understood the situation, the criticism would not be made;2. The criticism is made by someone for the purpose of “putting me down”. Maybe, only in this way can s/he make himself feel good. I should feel sorrow and compassion for such a person;3. The person, in making the criticism, has perceived a truth about myself that I have not seen. I should be grateful, and not hurt, by being given this piece of truth about myself, and from which I can learn.One of the interesting traits of human beings is that of the demand of being recognized and maybe the easy way to attract attention is to criticize. Such criticisms tend to be general and often appear under sweeping statements. It is one thing to comment in a vague manner but to make a critical analysis and to suggest where and how things could be improved is another.I read and re-read about the events of 1975 period when Saigon fell. I felt sad and melancholic as poignant memories came back to me. It was a period when it was so hard for me to concentrate on studying. Everyday all the newspapers headlined the retreat of the ARVN and provinces and towns were captured by the North without a single shot being fired. And then on the 30th of April a T54 tank shown crashing through the iron gate of the Independence Palace. X, a Viet student was sitting with me in the common TV room, was asked by an Australian student “Are you proud that the Vietnamese now defeat the American?” X was so furious and retorted “Get LOST! How could I be proud when my people lost the war.” I was not surprised by his reaction then. But I was totally dumbfound a few weeks later to find that X now ostentatiously displayed a portrait of his “uncle Ho” in his room! X switched side perhaps for the safety of his family who was still in VN. It was amazing that only in a few weeks he now spoke with new jargons and acted as if he had been in the communist party for a very long time. Another Viet student Y who had had not got on with X before, now they joined hands to found the Viet United Students (Hoi Sinh Vien Doan Ket). Y was musically gifted and so he composed songs extolling “uncle Ho” and his sayings “there is nothing more precious than independence and freedom” (khong gi quy hon doc lap tu do). Y played his guitar and sang the song with much pride. I found the song tasteless and somewhat obligatory as it certainly was not composed from his heart. Ofcourse they "invited" all to their meetings and I politely said that I had to catch up with my workand lucky enough they left me alone. Today, both X and Y had very successfull careers in Australia.In the upheaval period of 75, I found that I could trust no one particularly when it had something to do with politics. I became more withdrawn and introverted and I drank myself silly on Friday nights. A deep sense of hopelessness and loneliness befell upon me. Somehow drinking had helped me to cope!
...JF:You sure have stamina and resilience in reading The Pot of Gold and that you got through it in eight days is amazing. Yes, you are quite right, I only printed and bound 20 copies to give to my family (and one to the WA Historical library in Perth).Thanks for all the comments. After reading them I opened my copy of POG and read the section I had written on VN and the 1975 end of the war. It all came back to me in a poignant and slightly sad way. It was a very intense time for me, and a time during which I learnt a lot. I cannot read it now without being emotionally affected - but I am glad that I recorded as honestly as I could all the things that I wrote about. Although I gave all the VN students false names, you may well recognise some - but, I guess that after this time, it does not matter, and I know you will treat any that you recognise confidentially. Of course, you will recognise yourself.My metaphor of The Quest evolved over a period of some months. I wanted to say something about the uniqueness of the individual while being an integral part of the whole. At the time I had a growing feeling of fulfilment within myself and of the unity or “wholeness” of everything, together with the feeling of the value of the unique individual regardless of apparent insignificance and inadequacy. These were experienced feelings within me and not “theoretical constructs”. For a long time I mulled over in my mind how I could express it without it becoming theoretical - and that is when the idea of the metaphor of the raindrop came in to my mind. Yes, life is fragile and ephemeral. Yet I believe in the uniqueness and importance of the individual because no one else in life has exactly the same background, the same experiences and the same challenges in life as we do. My contribution to life through all that I experience is unique and important and no one but me can make that contribution. And this is the same for you and for everyone else. I mentioned this on page 541 of POG when I reiterated the statement by Viktor Frankl:Every person is unique and irreplaceable. No one can replace him. If he has found his true place in the world and has filled it, he has thereby fulfilled himself.I guess there is a conundrum: There is a sense of unity coupled with a sense of uniqueness.I liked your comment on keeping a drop of water from evaporating by returning it to the ocean. To my mind the drop of water is the uniqueness of the individual which can be wasted away unless it is strongly related to the sense of unity of all things (the ocean). It is this sense of unity that gives strength to the uniqueness of the individual. (Again, a conundrum.)Once one has a feeling of fulfilment the brevity of the individual’s existence is no longer important. I simply accept it, but try to use the limited time I have well. As you know my current project is writing In Search of My Ancestors. Yesterday I was writing about the background of my great-great grandmother, Charlotte Mole (who married the Chinese man, Ho Chee). I have records of seven generations before her going back to a John Merriton, who died in 1642. I know a little about each of the people in these seven generations. I know something of where and how they live. Some were farmers, some were landowners, another was a grocer in a small town. They all raised families; some experienced tragedies - such as the death of a child; They were all unique and each one, in their own way, contributed to life. Four hundred years ago John Merriton could not foretell that a descendant, 11 generations after him, would write about him; And yet, had it not been for John Merriton, I would never have existed. I may be unique, but I am part of a large unity of family structure. I am one essential link in the chain of the continuity of life. You are the same even if you cannot trace the individuals who gave you life. On the stage of Life, each person performs for but a short period but, without them, life would be different. Your comment on whether the observed exists in the absence of the observer, is a very old philosophical question, expressed most strongly by the British philosopher, Bishop George Berkeley (1685-1753). His attitude was that everything maintained its existence because it was always observed by God. (This book was: The Principles of Human Knowledge)Your Indian man was right about happiness: You find happiness by making others happy. One of my mottos is “If you want to find yourself, then you must lose yourself.”By “finding yourself” I mean reaching the point of complete self acceptance so that you no longer need to question (i.e. judge) yourself or life. This is self-fulfilment.By “losing yourself” I mean losing a consciousness of “self”. They way in which you achieve this is by absorbing yourself in something greater than yourself - that is, in “Life” itself. Apart from Nature and what lies beyond it, “Life” is other people. If your own actions can help others to reach their own fulfilment - and thus to make them happy, then this increases your own sense of “fulfilment” and hence of “happiness”. I think that people often mistake what is happiness by thinking of it as something resulting from material things. A small child may be “happy” if you give him a piece of chocolate - but then profoundly “unhappy” if you take it away from him. Of course, his “happiness” over attaining material desires is not what I mean by happiness. True happiness, once attained, cannot be taken away. Criticism:I guess that by “criticism” we think of the destructive, not constructive kind. Every single person is affected by it - especially by self criticism (judging oneself “inadequate”) until they reach the point of “self-acceptance”. I remember that when I was young I thought that I was the only person who was self-conscious, had problems, and was self-critical. Everyone else was “OK”, while I was “Not OK”. Later, I discovered that most people felt the same about themselves, but never “let on”. I guess this dawning realisation is the beginning of moving away from a “self-centredness” . . . . .
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